Today

Today was a different day than yesterday. It had its hardships, even some agony, but it was a different day. Chris had a successful procedure today to drain the fluid from his abdomen (3 liters worth), which I pray with all my heart affords him some relief. He also had a pigtail catheter put in so that he can continue to drain some fluid out as needed by himself. It’s not as cute as it sounds. But we’re thankful for it. We also got more tissue to biopsy from his liver–perhaps the best samples yet. These will go to MD Anderson with us if we are able to be seen there.

Which brings me to my plea: If you have any connections to MD Anderson, or know anyone with any connections there, would you please let me know? In my initial phone conversations with them I’ve realized that getting in there will not be easy. I’m ready to work hard on this, but if any of you can help me, I welcome it.

Some of what made yesterday so hard was feeling the weight of being the decision maker. Chris has been so in and out of engaging, often unable to process things well and without drifting off. I felt so intensely like I was being called to act in an entirely new capacity, and one that is very daunting to me. I didn’t feel alone, but I did feel like, ultimately, so much was going to be up to me. As the weight of those things fell heavy on me, I looked across the room at the one person who has always provided the best comfort and strength when I need it, and he was unable to do so. He was so helpless, and my heart broke in a way I’ve never before experienced. I eventually squeezed next to him in his bed. He put his arm around me, and I felt his hand squeeze my shoulder and then relax as he drifted off.

Today was different than yesterday. Chris, at least before his procedure, was more awake and engaged. We had some hard talks. We prayed. We needed each other and we were able, by God’s grace, to each engage our hearts for the other. It was a sad day, and challenging, but not breaking in the way yesterday was. Thank you, Lord, for a different kind of day.

Please pray for Chris–that his pain from this procedure would not eclipse the relief it afforded. Pray for peace in his heart and that he would see color in the world around him, not just the gray existence that chronic pain and discouragement can bring. Pray for me–that tomorrow I will wake up and put my big girl pannies on. I never lost the sense that God was with me yesterday. I’m ready to receive his grace for tomorrow’s challenges and walk forward in what I’m being called into.

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