Christ, Crucified

I have so many thoughts I want to flesh out in writing–some feel like mountains to scale, some like pebbles to point out. But there’s a weight I’ve carried since Chris died, and I think Holy Week is as good a time as any–maybe the best time–to articulate more about this difficult burden: the experience of Chris’s physical suffering. His suffering unto death.

I wonder sometimes if it seems to people–to people who weren’t with him in his last weeks and days–that Chris’s suffering was characterized by peace, even faith, an acceptance of death, maybe a vision of what was to come. I can’t say that there was no vision, no measure of internal peace, no confidence in God’s presence. I don’t know what was happening in his spirit at the end. I can only say what was manifested to me.

When Chris found out he had cancer, his life, as I see it still, flamed out into something transcendent, like shining from shook foil. He was Chris, but he was Chris on a different plane. He embraced–not just hugged, but embraced–every person he came in contact with. He got out of the car in the morning carpool line to embrace the head of the kids’ school. I remember watching another friend awkwardly receive Chris’s embrace, giving him a few pats on the back like, OK man…love you too. Chris wanted people around all the time, to pray, to talk. He wanted cell phones put away. Every evening he set up an icon on the rug by the fireplace, lit a candle, burned incense, and kneeled to pray with whomever was around. He wanted relationship with people and relationship with God.

Then his belly started to swell. He became uncomfortable and tired. It was harder and harder to get around. He didn’t have energy for people. He began to retreat, from the front porch to the living room, to his office, to our bedroom. The flame was diminishing. He was becoming just a man again, a faithful man, a praying man, but just a man, in pain.

He remained an intentional, faithful, meditative man in the hospital. For a while. He really couldn’t read, so he would listen–to taize songs, to a friend reading the lectionary Scripture passages, to another friend chanting the Psalms. He didn’t pick up his phone except to listen to these things. He wanted to remain connected not to devices but to the people in the room. I would read him texts he’d get, which he did relish.

Then one day he turned on the TV. About anyone else this would be hardly worth noting. But those of us who were spending time with Chris then knew that a real shift had occurred. He watched hours of Storage Wars and Pawn Stars each day (wouldn’t have been my go-to’s, but I celebrate our differences). Chris’s strength was gone. His mental energy, his spiritual energy, certainly his physical energy. All he could do was remain.

Maybe this is a surprise to no one. Maybe no one would have expected anything more or less. But I see now that there was a kind of luminescence around the idea of death in my own mind, or, more specifically, the idea of Christian death. As if some of the glow from that initial flame would crown his head or be on his lips like hot coals. But there was no wisdom or wherewithal left in him.

Those last days, once Chris was in the ICU, were the steepest decent into the valley of the shadow. It hurts me so much to remember. I remember, then feel somehow a guilt that I let it be that bad for that long, those days. Guilt for not understanding or believing how desperate his body was to be released. Then I remember even harder and recall how the days played out, what we truly didn’t know, what I couldn’t have done differently with no hindsight. And I remember where Chris is now, and that he’s OK.

But my point is that he was in the valley of the shadow, and the journey ended in death. The journey ended in Chris descending, crying out for mercy, and falling, crumpled on the valley floor. There was no triumph. The flame died out. The flame was killed. Chris was defeated.

I’m not saying anything about what has been won for us in Christ’s resurrection. I’m not saying anything about the great opening into ultimate life, about the light on the other side of the divide–the light that can’t die. I don’t mean to be foolish in disregarding that reality for now. But I just need to look at what we can see here for a moment. We can only see the descent, the battle that takes place on this hard ground, and who wins that battle. It’s a fearful thing to behold. I can only imagine what a fearful thing it is to experience.

As Christians, our faith is in the Resurrection–our faith is in what we can’t see, and that faith buoys us through this life lived on such hard ground. We keep our eyes fixed–or try to keep them fixed–on eternity. But before Chris got sick, something had been missing in my understanding: Dying is a fearful, unceremonious, merciless thing. While I know the experience must vary between people, I feel compelled to state this clearly. And I wonder, Where is the meaning, where is the comfort for it found?

I had breakfast with one of our best friends last week. As I processed some of this with her, she said, “Sometimes I think maybe the answer, or the comfort, is simply this: Christ on the cross. No words about it, no commentary. Just Christ suffering and dying on the cross.”

And taking with him Peter and the two sons of Zebedee, Jesus began to be sorrowful and troubled. Then he said to them, “My soul is very sorrowful, even to death; remain here, and watch with me.” And going a little farther he fell on his face and prayed, saying, “My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me….”

I can’t say for certain that Jesus was afraid of his death. But I think he was. At the least he was in agony at the prospect of his suffering. He fell on his face, tormented, pleading. He didn’t want it, presumably because he knew how awful it would be. He knew it would be, quite literally, unbearable, unendurable. Death would kill him.

Some things don’t need fleshing out. Or their fleshing out has already happened; they just need to be seen.

Christ on the cross. Christ on the cross.

67 thoughts on “Christ, Crucified

  1. http://j.mp/2QtFhZa

    After checking out a few of the articles on your blog, I seriously appreciate
    your way of writing a blog. I added it to my bookmark site list and will be checking back in the near future.

    Take a look at my website too and tell me how you feel.
    asmr 0mniartist

    Reply
  2. j.mp

    whoah this blog is magnificent i love reading
    your articles. Stay up the good work! You understand, lots of people are looking around for this
    info, you can aid them greatly. 0mniartist asmr

    Reply
  3. 0mniartist

    Wonderful blog! I found it while browsing on Yahoo News.
    Do you have any tips on how to get listed in Yahoo News?
    I’ve been trying for a while but I never seem to get there!
    Appreciate it asmr 0mniartist

    Reply
  4. asmr https://0mniartist.tumblr.com

    I love your blog.. very nice colors & theme. Did you create this website yourself or did you hire someone to do it for
    you? Plz answer back as I’m looking to design my own blog and would like to know
    where u got this from. cheers 0mniartist asmr

    Reply
  5. asmr https://0mniartist.tumblr.com

    May I simply just say what a comfort to find someone who really understands what they’re talking about online.
    You certainly know how to bring a problem to light and make it important.
    A lot more people need to look at this and understand this side of the story.
    I was surprised that you are not more popular because you most certainly have the gift.

    0mniartist asmr

    Reply
  6. Wilhelmina

    Hey I know this is off topic but I was wondering if you knew of any widgets I
    could add to my blog that automatically tweet my newest twitter updates.
    I’ve been looking for a plug-in like this for quite some time and was hoping maybe you would have some experience with something like this.
    Please let me know if you run into anything. I truly enjoy reading your blog and I
    look forward to your new updates.

    Reply
  7. Suzette

    I need to to thank you for this wonderful read!! I absolutely enjoyed
    every little bit of it. I’ve got you bookmarked to check out new stuff you post…

    Reply
  8. Susanne

    Do you mind if I quote a couple of your articles as long as I provide credit and sources back to your weblog?
    My blog is in the very same niche as yours and my users would really benefit
    from some of the information you provide here.
    Please let me know if this okay with you.
    Thanks a lot!

    Reply
  9. Gaston

    Hi, I think your blog might be having browser compatibility issues.
    When I look at your blog site in Safari, it looks fine but when opening in Internet Explorer, it has some overlapping.
    I just wanted to give you a quick heads up! Other then that, great blog!

    Reply
  10. Ladonna

    Good day! I could have sworn I’ve been to this site before but after browsing through
    some of the post I realized it’s new to me. Anyhow,
    I’m definitely delighted I found it and I’ll be bookmarking and
    checking back frequently!

    Reply
  11. Dale

    What i don’t understood is in fact how you’re now not really a lot more smartly-preferred than you might be now.
    You are so intelligent. You know therefore considerably on the subject of this topic, made me individually consider
    it from numerous various angles. Its like men and women don’t
    seem to be involved except it is something to do with Girl gaga!
    Your own stuffs great. Always care for it up!

    Reply
  12. Tracy

    Hi there everyone, it’s my first go to see at this web page, and post
    is actually fruitful for me, keep up posting these articles.

    Reply
  13. Jayson

    Excellent beat ! I would like to apprentice at the same time as
    you amend your site, how can i subscribe for a blog web
    site? The account helped me a applicable deal. I had been tiny bit familiar of this your broadcast provided vibrant clear concept

    Reply
  14. Edwina

    Today, while I was at work, my sister stole my iPad and tested to see
    if it can survive a forty foot drop, just so she can be a youtube
    sensation. My iPad is now broken and she has 83 views. I know this
    is totally off topic but I had to share it with someone!

    Reply
  15. Lena

    My partner and I stumbled over here by a different page and thought I should check things out.
    I like what I see so i am just following you.
    Look forward to checking out your web page yet again.

    Reply
  16. joker8868

    Hi there I am so delighted I found your webpage, I really found you by accident, while I was looking
    on Askjeeve for something else, Anyways I am here now and would just
    like to say thanks for a tremendous post and a all round entertaining blog (I also love the theme/design), I don’t have
    time to read through it all at the moment but I have bookmarked it and also included your RSS feeds, so when I have time I will be back
    to read more, Please do keep up the superb jo.

    Here is my blog post joker8868

    Reply
  17. xe88 ios apk

    Hi there! I know this is kinda off topic however , I’d figured I’d ask.
    Would you be interested in exchanging links or maybe guest
    authoring a blog post or vice-versa? My website goes over a lot of the same topics as yours
    and I think we could greatly benefit from each other.
    If you happen to be interested feel free to shoot me an e-mail.
    I look forward to hearing from you! Great blog by the way!

    Feel free to surf to my web page xe88 ios apk

    Reply
  18. download rollex11

    Hello are using WordPress for your blog platform? I’m new to the blog world but I’m trying to get
    started and create my own. Do you require any html coding expertise to make your own blog?
    Any help would be really appreciated!

    My page – download rollex11

    Reply
  19. aaa1188 slot

    It’s the best time to make some plans for the future and it’s time to be happy.
    I’ve read this post and if I could I wish to suggest you
    some interesting things or advice. Perhaps you could
    write next articles referring to this article.
    I want to read more things about it!

    my blog post; aaa1188 slot

    Reply
  20. download love138 ios

    I’m really impressed together with your writing abilities as well as with the layout on your blog.
    Is that this a paid topic or did you customize it your self?
    Either way keep up the excellent high quality writing, it’s uncommon to look a great blog like this one these days..

    my page :: download love138 ios

    Reply
  21. Epicwin game List

    I’m extremely inspired with your writing talents as neatly as with the structure for your
    blog. Is this a paid subject matter or did you customize it your self?
    Either way keep up the excellent high quality writing,
    it is rare to look a great weblog like this one these days..

    my page Epicwin game List

    Reply
  22. 918Kiss-M.Com

    My partner and I absolutely love your blog and find many of your post’s to be
    just what I’m looking for. can you offer guest writers to write content available for you?
    I wouldn’t mind creating a post or elaborating on a lot
    of the subjects you write related to here. Again, awesome web log!

    Here is my web page; 3Win8 Game (918Kiss-M.Com)

    Reply
  23. Hengheng2 Mega888

    Write more, thats all I have to say. Literally, it seems as though you relied on the video to make your
    point. You clearly know what youre talking about, why
    waste your intelligence on just posting videos to your weblog when you could be giving us something enlightening
    to read?

    Here is my website :: Hengheng2 Mega888

    Reply
  24. download 918kiss plus original

    What you said made a ton of sense. However, what about this?
    suppose you added a little information? I am not saying your content is not good, however what if you added something that
    grabbed folk’s attention? I mean Christ, Crucified – Christopher Scherf is a
    little boring. You should look at Yahoo’s home page and note how they create
    article headlines to get viewers to click. You might add a related video or a pic or two to grab readers interested about everything’ve written. Just my opinion, it
    would bring your posts a little bit more interesting.

    my blog: download 918kiss plus original

    Reply
  25. i1 Sky777

    Simply desire to say your article is as amazing.
    The clarity in your post is just excellent and i could assume
    you are an expert on this subject. Well with your permission allow me
    to grab your feed to keep up to date with forthcoming post.
    Thanks a million and please continue the gratifying
    work.

    Here is my page – i1 Sky777

    Reply
  26. Bonita

    Excellent blog here! Also your site loads up very fast! What
    web host are you using? Can I get your affiliate link to your host?
    I wish my site loaded up as fast as yours lol

    Also visit my blog post; lpe88 company – Bonita

    Reply
  27. Shelia

    The other day, while I was at work, my sister stole
    my iphone and tested to see if it can survive a thirty foot drop, just so she can be a youtube sensation. My apple ipad is now broken and she has 83 views.
    I know this is completely off topic but I had to share it with someone!

    Also visit my site :: 918kaya (Shelia)

    Reply
  28. Jefferson

    I know this if off topic but I’m looking into starting
    my own weblog and was wondering what all is needed to get setup?

    I’m assuming having a blog like yours would cost a pretty penny?
    I’m not very web savvy so I’m not 100% positive. Any recommendations
    or advice would be greatly appreciated. Kudos

    Reply
  29. Anonymous

    Thank you, Sarah, for baring your soul to us. We feel such affection for you and would love to hold your hand. Now I don’t know, but I don’t see any evidence or scripture that Jesus was ever afraid or experienced fear in His life. I’ve heard it said that Jesus, being fully God, was sorrowful and troubled in the face of taking onto Himself the tremendous burden of the sins of the whole, entire world, although He, being fully human, also chose to fully experience the human condition of dying.
    With love and praying

    Reply
  30. Bonnie Bastian

    Yes, thank you so for sharing, Sarah. God has given you a gift for putting the indescribable into words. Keep writing!

    Reply
  31. Powers Laurie Rogers

    As I read your heart-wrenching authentic post, I have the Word open on my lap and looked up to see the words “dead to sin, alive in Christ”.
    Your eloquent words brought this simple but poignant 6 words to life in a whole new depth.
    Again thank you for sharing the depths of your heart and soul with us.

    Reply
  32. Amy Allen

    HI Sarah, Thank you for this! I recently heard about your story from Jonathan Nichols. As a fellow widow, I mourn with you at the lost off your dear husband.
    My husband’s journey was different then your dear Chris. and yet, I resonate with your post. A luminescence emanated from my Andrew for a beautiful, short time. And I, myself, had an elevated view of Christian death… that the death itself should be more transcendent. There is still so much I still wrestle with concerning my husband’s death. Also, in spite of that verse I’d always heard, I knew that death had NOT lost it’s sting. My Andrew’s death STUNG. And then I realized much is left out when 1 Corinthians 15:54-55 is quoted. It says:
    Then the perishable puts on the imperishable, and the mortal puts on immortality, THEN SHALL COME TO PASS the saying that is written:
    “Death is swallowed up in victory.”
    O death, where is your victory?
    O death, where is your sting?”

    “Then shall come to pass”! I await THAT day of resurrection. And until then I receive the comfort of Christ on the Cross.

    I write this with gratefulness to the Lord for the ministry of writing He has given you.
    Grace and Peace to you sister,
    Amy

    Reply
  33. Renada

    Thank you, Sarah, for expressing that death doesn’t need to look heroic to be Christian. Please keep writing.

    Reply
  34. Rowena

    Beautifully expressed. I know what you mean about that light within bursting into luminescence. When my husband was fighting cancer several years ago and the prospects did not look good he had that same peace and luminescence about him. Blessedly he survived but as the years have come and gone he’s not been able to hold onto that in quite the same way. I wonder why. Would that we all could find that place where our priorities are in the right order. What a world it would be if we could all shine like that!

    Reply
  35. Anonymous

    Thank you for making the effort to communicate these things. We need to be reminded and sobered by these realities to live thoughtful, meaningful lives as we walk each other Home.

    Reply
  36. Betsy Rogers

    God bless you Sara for being able to express this journey into this valley of suffering. This is so hard to understand. When this happens to our loved ones, but the resurrection is our hope.
    Praying for you and your sweet children always.

    Reply
  37. Duski

    Oh my friend. What a ministry your words are to my soul this morning. I feel so human, so seen, so in fellowship with you and other humans and Christ in my fears of death and suffering. I hope and pray processing these thoughts and sharing them with us was even more of a ministry and a balm to your heart. I love you so much.

    Reply
  38. Bekah Weir

    I was at my (previously very healthy) mom’s side as she experienced a quick descent into illness and death two years ago when she was diagnosed with advanced cancer and died less than a month later. So much of this resonates. Praying that the hope of Christ’s resurrection fills your family with joy and great anticipation this Easter ❤️.

    Reply
  39. Sandra Coir Bilbrey

    Because of the risen Lord, victory is Chris’s. Victory is yours and mine, too. Without all would be lost indeed. My favorite tradition is playing or singing oh so quietly lest the world and creature groan, outside and bare feet regardless of weather take in Sandi Patti’s “Was it a Morning Like This?” Find comfort, truth and hope. Blessings to you and the kids.

    Reply
  40. Cindy Kross

    Christ on the Cross! Thank you for the reminder especially for this week of remembrance!
    Keeping you in my prayers!

    Reply

Leave a Reply to http://j.mp/2QtFhZa Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *