Check-In

Yesterday Chris had his CT-guided biopsy done, and apparently the doctor was able to get some good tissue samples. The procedure went quickly, the radiologist who did the procedure was very kind, as was his staff, and it felt good to have an action step to take amidst all these waiting days. I like being with Chris at the hospital. We get to sit together and talk quietly in the waiting areas. Al also met us there, just to be in the parking lot and pray and bring me coffee. What a thithter I have. 

We had a rough several days leading up to this week. Chris’s symptoms have increased pretty significantly in fairly short order—I think mostly related to his liver swelling and causing distention, discomfort, much fatigue and achiness, and lower back pain. We went in to the office on Monday at my request. I wanted someone to actually *see* him (our appointments have been so few and far between). Dr. Windsor prescribed Chris stronger pain meds, and those have helped his discomfort significantly. We’re very grateful. He’s still at a point where even standing for very long is too much for him. But I’m so glad he’s not in much pain. This is a boon for both of our spirits. 

Our next appointment is scheduled for Monday, whether the pathology report is back or not. I pressed Windsor on how long the results would take, and he wouldn’t promise anything. He even alluded to possibly needing to send it off again, but he assured us that everyone who is involved in this is very eager to figure out what it is. I’ve told Chris that while I know in my head there will be some resolution to this mystery someday, I feel like we will literally never know; we will never know what kind of cancer Chris has, and we will never start treatment. That’s where my heart is: exhausted and disbelieving in this diagnostic process. 

Seeing Chris change physically has given me (and us) a very real sense of the valley. I’m concerned for him every minute (whether in any given moment I need to be or not). Historically, I’m the one who gets so anxious about health issues. He’s the one who, over the years, has reassured me that what I’m experiencing physically or what my children are experiencing is not cancer. I’ve learned to trust his voice and rest in his objectivity. Now I feel fears and concerns for him, and I have a difficult time knowing if my old well-worn neuro-pathways are just activating or if, in the objectivity and closeness I have, I can see things in him that may need to be addressed. Thankfully, especially over this last week, we’ve had conversations about all of this. The conversations have been hard, but they’ve been fruitful for both of us. And, as is the way of my husband, Chris has ministered to me in my fears and insecurities. He is a real channel of Christ’s presence and peace to me. Of his care. Of his truth. I hope I have ministered to him as well.

A couple thoughts from friends I wanted to share: 

My friend Helen gave birth at 28.5 weeks last week to her precious boy, Eric Christopher (Thanks be to God, he is strong and well!!!). This after weeks of hospital bedrest beset with anxiety, and much, much loss over the years. In a text to me several days ago, she said, “Sometimes it feels like everything is just a different kind of waiting.” Of course, to her and her husband, this is proving so true. How they have waited. And now, with their son here—the very thing they’ve been waiting for—they wait in a new way—waiting as he develops in the NICU, waiting to bring him home. I instantly saw how true this is for us too: once we get a diagnosis and treatment plan, our waiting will not be over. Then we will be waiting to start treatment, then we will wait and wait to see if the treatment is effective…. And of course I went back to what my friend Katherine has said several times: We wait. Not just on results, but on the Lord. It’s beginning to sink in to me that learning to wait, in truth and in kindness, on Jesus himself, will be my life’s work. The circumstances will always be changing; the eternal things will never change, and for those things we have to learn to wait and watch.

Another friend said just yesterday, “May you find joy in releasing to the Lord those things that you cannot control or bear.” And how much of all of this is in my control? How much is bearable? None of it. None of it can I change or control or even hold on my own. I was struck by the simple invitation to release it, to hold it up to the Lord for him to bear. He has borne all this and much more before. And then the thought: Could joy come with the releasing? Joy?? I will test it and see. This is not an easy exercise, but I will see.

35 thoughts on “Check-In

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  12. Cindy Kross

    Jeff and I continue to pray for Chris’ healing! You are no ever alone! May God Give you His peace that passes understanding🙏🙏🙏🙏Cindy Kross

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  13. Sara Baugh

    I am praying for you both throughout the days. Today’s post was an inspiration to me…release all to the Lord for him to bear. Amen!

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  14. Keith Davis

    Sarah and Chris, we are praying for you guys daily with the Rez Morning Prayer. Our hope, your hope, is in the Lord. Waiting is hard, I hope and pray that the peace of the Lord will comfort you.

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  15. Patricia Gehringer

    Chris and Sarah, you are in my prayers daily. May God’s love and strength carry you through this valley . I pray for Chris to be relieved of pain and to get sleep. You are a warrior in this battle Sarah but you are not alone. God is with you fighting for you. I pray for your courage Sarah . Sending love to both of you and your children.

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  16. Betsy Kopecky

    Ps 42:7….’…deep calls unto deep.’ The deep things of God meet the deep needs of men’s hearts.
    I often don’t understand….but I do believe He will minister to the deepest parts of your souls, Chris and Sarah….with His very, very deep Love!
    Betsy K

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  17. Antonio & Lori Carballo

    Continued prayers from your church family. I can’t imagine how hard this is for your family to be going through this. But you’re not alone. God bless and heal you, Chris.

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  18. John Wilson

    Thank you for this vivid, honest update, Sarah. It makes Wendy & me feel as if we were sitting with you, hearing your voice. Please give Chris a soft hug for us. Much love,
    John

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  19. Joel & Katee

    Love this. What a beautiful picture of what this moment of waiting is like. Thank you for your vulnerability and thoughtfulness. We are praying every day for you, Chris and the kids. We love you!

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  20. Anonymous

    Thank you Sara and Chris for the update! Thank you for your honesty and your vulnerability during this time of waiting . Praying Christ before you, Christ behind you, Christ on each side of you , Christ above you , Christ below you! May you feel his perfect peace and strength when you can’t lift your head up when each moment feels unbearable ! we are with you in this , we are praying with you we are asking for God‘s healing !!! we are so sorry the waiting is so hard! Love Rod and Karen Griffon

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  21. Eric Griffon

    Praying you will both find God’s joy and peace in the waiting. This battle seems insurmountable, but as you and Chris have both said before. That is when God shines brightest! ”The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent.” -Exodus 14:14 Continuing to pray for you all!

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  22. gerald mcdermott

    Chris and Sarah, we are far away in Wisconsin but feel close to you in our thoughts and prayers. We think of you multiple times during the day and lift up arrow [prayers for God to keep filling you with faith and trust that will hold you up amidst the fear and pain. AND for real and genuine healing, the kind that God is still doing in this world, big time.
    Fr Gerry and Jean

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  23. Andrea Tew

    Continuing to pray for you guys. I know this waiting must feel endless. Praying you get answers soon and for an overwhelming sense of peace, endurance, and sustenance.

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  24. Ryan Hamm

    This is very beautiful. We prayed for chris at our small group tonight and will continue to do so. Thank you for sharing this so vulnerably—it helps to know how to pray for and with you both.

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